They say they like
what I wear and
The lips on my lipstick
And the way my hair
wears my head but
It wears on me
The moment my words leave my lips and
I put my foot down and my hands on my hips
It’s too confusing.
And it’s too hard
Be quiet
Be cute
Little black girl
Play
Your
Part
It wears on me
Like when I wear my super skinny jeans
And they say to me
they look so good on you
I say thanks, it’s because I’m running
Running every other day of the week
I’m running
Because it wears on me
There was this friend in the family
Who always came around
He’d make the kids smile
Whenever they began to frown
He was so damn cool
He was so damn nice
He was so damn handsome
And oh so polite
One day this friend in the family
Gave me a wink
I was in so much shock
I could barely think
Am I going crazy?
That might be so
Fantasia, calm down
It was nothing, let it go
This friend in the family started giving me money
Buying me candy
And calling me honey
I had no guidance
So naive and lost
Wanting to make a friend
No matter the cost
“He wouldn’t hurt a fly”
That’s what everyone would say
But this friend in the family
Tried to rape me one day.
I became a recluse
Always stayed inside
Because on that very tumultuous day
A part of me died
A few cousins took notice
Asked what was wrong
But I kept saying “nothing”
While pretending to be strong
The more time passed
The weaker I became
His presence around my family
Was driving me insane
Who would be next
If he couldn’t get to me
A predator like him
Shouldn’t be free
I finally spoke up
Told my cousins about that day
They were definitely in shock
But brushed what happened away
Acted as if it never happened
So he still came around
The very few I trusted
Had certainly let me down
I guess it wasn’t a big deal
Maybe I should be more vibrant
And when he sexually assaults me again
I should just remain silent.
Fantasia Alston is a guest writer for theblackertheberry.org. She is a 22 year old free spirit and visionary who spends most of her time writing poetry, reading (preferably mystery books), and doing whatever she can to help better the community, whether it be volunteering at the nearest homeless shelter or picking up any litter found on the solid surface of the Earth. She also enjoys painting whatever comes to mind, cooking, meditating, and taking long walks to nowhere. She currently resides in Columbia, SC. She is a writer for #SCHOOLGIRLHUSTLE, an organization that supports and empowers girls and women to stay in school. Learn more about her and her work here. Follow her on instagram here.
Stand Out or Sit Down
There comes a point in time where, whether you want to realize it or not, you’ve longed to fit in. You’ve longed to be like everyone else. In honoring the legacy of Dr. Maya Angelou, who passed away this Wednesday, I think we all need to stop and think about our desire (or former desire) to blend in with the crowd.
Maya Angelou has centered a lot of her work on image and identity. In Phenomenal Woman, she teaches us to embrace our bodies – our wide hips and our full lips, among other things. In I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, she shows us that although we may have been through some wretched times, our songs, or our testimonies are still worth sharing. But, despite the brilliance of Maya Angelou and the beauty of individuality, many people still choose the value being like everyone else.
I remember being in middle school and in seventh grade, my pants got a little tighter. My hips started to fill in and it seemed like this booty appeared overnight. And I absolutely hated it. My pants never fit right because my waist was much smaller than my booty (often a problem still) and the bottom half of my body was growing much faster than the top half, if you know what I mean. And then my tallness set in, on top of it all. But most importantly for me at that time, my body wasn’t like most of the girls’ around me. The skirts my ‘straight up and down’ girlfriends wore were practically a crime for me to wear and although I have never been overweight or obese, I certainly felt so being the size 4/6 among the plethora of size 0s.
And even as late as my college years, as a writer for my school’s newspaper, I sometimes felt the urge to write more vanilla – and to blend in better with the masses. As a writer of controversial topics at ritzy private school, I was praised by those who were down all while I was shunned by the naysayers who refused to confront the dirt that had been hidden under the rug. I was faced with threats, hate mail and even vandalism just as often as my column made top 10 – Every. Single. Week.
“Why can’t I just have a normal experience?” I thought, reflecting on my newspaper stint. Slander, meetings with deans, more slander and my dad wanting to pull me out of school for the semester to protect me only pushed me and my writing closer to mediocrity…all but for a second.
Standing out isn’t all that bad.
My shape? I’ve embraced to the hilt. I love my curves. Now at 24, I find myself flaunting my curviness, in the cleanest of ways of course. Looking back on my middle school haze, I laugh at my seventh grade self. The same girls I found myself wanting to look like back then…long for the curves that I have been blessed with and the confidence that has been paired with it today. I was able to change my mindset from phenotypically challenged to phenomenally created. And my writing? Writing is my air. And I value my point of view more than ever. It’s a healthy way to deal with my frustrations with society and it’s my way of singing my song…and hopefully, the song of my fellow caged birds that are still afraid to sing.
It would be a lie to say it’s not tempting to fit in. It’s easy. It doesn’t require much effort. And quite often, it’s more comfortable than standing out. But there is beauty in standing out. More so than in fitting in. So stop fighting yourself to be like everyone else. It’s a fight you’re never going to win…because the moment you strive to be “normal” is the moment you lose yourself.
Stand out or sit down.
“If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.”
– Maya Angelou
Peace, Love & Consciousness,
Kiara
Dr. Kiara Shanay Lee 